ADHD & Sex with Dr. Lyne Piché
In this episode of the Adulting with ADHD podcast, Dr. Lynn Pache explores the connection between ADHD and sexual health, offering insights and practical advice for managing intimate relationships. She emphasizes open communication, addressing underlying issues, and viewing sexual wellness as a vital part of overall health.
Highlights:
Introduction to Dr. Lynn Pache's expertise in sexual therapy and ADHD.
Discussion on ADHD's impact on sexual health and the role of novelty and distraction management.
Practical advice for enhancing sexual well-being and addressing underlying issues.
Summary
Dr. Lynn Pache, a specialist in sexual therapy and neurodivergence, joins the Adulting with ADHD podcast to discuss the complex relationship between ADHD and sexual health. The episode provides listeners with insights into how ADHD can affect intimate relationships, focusing on the need for novelty and effective distraction management. Dr. Pache underscores the importance of maintaining open lines of communication with partners regarding sexual needs and desires.
A significant part of the conversation revolves around the interplay between ADHD, anxiety, and sexual wellness. Dr. Pache addresses common barriers to communication, such as assumptions and shame, which can hinder healthy relationships. She offers practical advice on identifying and tackling underlying issues to enhance sexual well-being, providing listeners with actionable strategies to improve their intimate lives.
To further support individuals, Dr. Pache shares resources, including her website and online course, aimed at promoting sexual wellness. She concludes the episode by highlighting the importance of viewing sexual health as an integral component of overall well-being. This podcast episode is a valuable resource for anyone looking to navigate the challenges of ADHD in their intimate relationships with empathy and understanding.
Transcript
00:00 - Sarah (Host)
The Adulting with ADHD podcast is not a substitute for medical advice. Please see a medical professional if you think you have ADHD or have ADHD and need additional assistance. For podcast archives, please visit patreoncom slash. Adulting with ADHD. This is the Adulting with ADHD podcast self-empowerment for people with ADHD. Today, I'm really excited to have with me Dr Lynn Pache. Dr Lynn Pache is a registered psychologist who has worked as a psychologist specializing in sexual issues for 25 years. Her graduate studies, research and work endeavors have been focused on improving sexual health for all individuals. Since 2009, she has provided sexual therapy counsel, couples counseling, relationship counseling and trauma counseling in her private practice. Dr Pichet is an EMDR certified EMDR therapist. She's also a forensic psychologist. She offers psychological services in both English and French. The intersection of ADHD and sexual therapy has been a particular interest of hers in recent years. Welcome to the show, dr Lin. Thank you so much. I'm thrilled to be here.
01:22 - Lyne (Host)
I'm thrilled to have you. Thank you for having me.
01:24 - Sarah (Host)
Thank you. Today we're talking about ADHD and sexual health, which is a special interest of yours. You've had a lot of experience working with patients in this area. Tell us how did you get into this line of work and why does it matter to you.
01:39 - Lyne (Host)
It's a great question. I think passions are a really important thing, and one of the things with sexuality and sexual health is that's been a longstanding passion in my life. It's something that I've always wanted to do and help people with, and I think sexual health is very important. As we've gone through the various generations, I think we're much better able now to talk about sexuality and sexual health, maybe in a way that we weren't able to do a couple of generations ago. So it's nice to see that shift and I've always wanted to participate in that and be part of helping people identify and understand what's so important with them in regards to their own sexuality and what they would like, and how did they achieve those goals.
02:26
This intersection of ADHD and sexuality is one of the things that we never really were taught about in school. It wasn't really something that was discussed in many ways, particularly when you're working with adults in psychology. There wasn't a lot of discussion around neurodivergence in the day, and it's been really exciting since COVID to see this shift where we're getting more and more information and people are talking more and more about some of these pieces as they apply to neurodivergence. So, as I started to get to know ADHD and I started to look at sexuality and what I had experienced in my own career. When I started seeing that these pieces were coming together, the fit made a lot of sense to me and it was very, very much in line with clinically, where I would see people would struggle, but also trying to put words to things and patterns that maybe we hadn't before.
03:24
So that's part of my passion is to say, hey, we do have more and more research coming out that's indicating there is this interconnection. There can be these difficulties. Can we talk about how distractions impact you? They impact you at school, they impact you at work, they're going to impact your sex life too, and it just makes so much sense, right? Sometimes I feel like I'm just saying things that are quite obvious. I'm like, how did we not talk about this before? But here we are right, it's 2025 and we're talking about it now. So hooray. That really is that passion of wanting to bring those ideas and the information out so that people can use it to improve their own sexual health.
04:08 - Sarah (Host)
Absolutely. Can you give us a few examples of how ADHD and sexual issues may manifest in a relationship?
04:17 - Lyne (Host)
One of the ways that it can come up is this idea about boredom and the need for novelty.
04:23
So you may be somebody who's saying I have a partner and everything seems to be good and I have this life that I'm supposed to, and this kind of perfect life where you've got all the pieces and somehow it still doesn't feel quite right. Is that part of that need for novelty? You know, if you have ADHD and maybe you're not diagnosed, or you're not diagnosed but you haven't thought about how that impacts you sexually, rather than thinking, oh, there's a big problem here because I'm bored, or there's a big problem here because I'm looking for novelty, to be able to talk about that with a partner, talk about that with a counselor, and then start looking at how much is the cadhd rather than an actual difficulty in the relationship. It might be a difficulty in the relationship, but it also might be. I just need things that are novel and I haven't quite addressed how I'm doing that sexually and how yeah and so part of your job I is helping the client tease out the differences.
05:28
I think that's really important, which is which and how do we have that discussion If we're not talking about it? Anxiety is another good example of that, where you might have somebody with ADHD who's having problems with maintaining erections or maybe they're ejaculating too fast, and we have spent a lot of time in sexual therapy focused on anxiety and how do we reduce anxiety? Part of the driving force of that is your ADHD, and the anxiety is happening because you're losing focus. So, of course, then you're losing focus, you're going to lose your erection and now you're anxious. That makes sense. But if the only thing we do is address the anxiety, then we're missing this other piece, which is how do we help reduce that distraction? How do we help you focus in the moment?
06:18
That cycle hasn't started, yeah, and so I'm really passionate about trying to give people language to explain things that maybe we weren't explaining well before and that maybe you were. You're going to counseling, you're doing all the right things, but you're not feeling like you're getting any real change, and that can create a huge sense of failure for people yeah but if this is part of the problem and if adhd is part of what hasn't been talked about really trying to encourage listeners to go have you considered that?
06:57
and, rather than looking at this as a fail, are we just not talking about the right part here and how this is getting in your way?
07:06 - Sarah (Host)
If you're listening to this show, you get how stress and overwhelm can wreak havoc on your life and how sometimes the issue runs deeper than that. That's where ADHD Online comes in. They offer a thorough, clinically backed assessment that not only checks for ADHD, but also screens for anxiety, depression and more. To save $40 and to get on the path to relief now visit ADHD online, slash adulting with ADHD and use promo code adulting ADHD 40. Adhd 40. Yeah, for sure, and we had talked previously about how this isn't a luxury, how this really is a wellness issue. So if there's a lack of awareness there, how does that impact?
07:57 - Lyne (Host)
your well-being? That's a great question. I really want to like repeat that because I think it's so important. Right? Sexual health is not a luxury. Yeah, and you're right. It's often been what has been either promoted or indirectly said, some of those unwritten rules. It's wonderful to hear you say this isn't a luxury, this is important. So if I come back to your question which so if I come back to your question which please stop me if I got it wrong but this idea I'm like how does that impact the outcome? If now, this isn't a luxury and we have to deal with this?
08:32
Some of it is having those tough conversations, and those tough conversations with a partner can be difficult if you're uncomfortable about talking about this need for sexual novelty, or sometimes what will happen is you're going to say I wasn't able to sustain my attention and your partner's going to be like, oh my gosh, this is a national emergency. You don't like me, I've put on two pounds and so you must not like my body, and now we have this big explosion. That maybe is not really part of what's going on at all. So if you can't maintain your attention, it doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is doing something wrong or there's something wrong in that interaction. It's just going to be a ridiculous example.
09:22
But say you're studying for a big test and you're having a hard time maintaining your attention. Nobody's going to go, what's the book's fault? Maybe some people would say that, right, you're like, the book just was problematic and that's why I couldn't maintain my attention. We don't really say that, right, we go. Well, how can we make that learning more comfortable for you? How can we create space so that you're learning in a way that works? It's similar. All we're doing is taking those same concepts and applying them to your sex life.
09:54 - Sarah (Host)
Yeah, absolutely, and this is a good segue because your website speaks to the importance of being clear in your language when you're talking about sexual concerns. And why is that so important and how can you get better at that?
10:11 - Lyne (Host)
People make a lot of assumptions about sex. It's something that often will make people uncomfortable to begin with, right? So if you have to have a conversation and you're already nervous and now you're like not using the right words or you're being overly cautious, or you're not actually saying it, you're hinting at it, there's all these assumptions that can happen, where maybe a partner goes I'm pretty sure I understood what they wanted and you're still left going. Actually, I didn't get my point across at all and we don't seem to be talking about the same things. I think that clarity of communication also allows you to find, like different solutions. If you're not having those clear conversations, then how in the world are you going to find solutions?
10:57
I've said this before because I really believe that it's true is that people in the ADHD community, if you can help them identify what's wrong, right, if you can put a name and a label to something. We are very good at figuring out creative solutions, right. It doesn't necessarily have to be what do I do about it? Because you can figure that out once. You're like oh, my partner really gets distracted when I'm doing whatever in bed and so, rather than doing it this way, I'm going to do it this other way. That's more likely going to maintain your attention and we're going to keep having fun. An easy fix if you can have those clear conversations. If you can have those clear conversations. It gets really complicated when you don't.
11:49 - Sarah (Host)
If everybody's working with different assumptions of what's going on. Yeah, that came up in another interview this week. You're talking about things that apply across the board.
12:04 - Lyne (Host)
Assumptions is another one that comes up Absolutely, and when you think about sex, there are a lot of assumptions and, I think, a lot of shame that can come with sexuality, both in regards to the fantasies or interests that you might have or maybe in regards to things that you've done before, and the more the less clear you are when you're talking about sex. How much is that sexual shame creeping in and is that also going to really stop any sort of good conversations, relationship-building conversations around what you're looking for sexually and what your partner's looking for and how you can come to some middle grounds?
12:47 - Sarah (Host)
And is this something you address in your workbook? I want to talk a little bit about your work. Oh, I think I do. I put you on the spot.
12:58 - Lyne (Host)
That's okay, I like it, though I had to think about that for a minute. I have a whole chapter on intimacy and relationships and I've actually called it intimacy yikes. And the reason that it's intimacy yikes is that for most people, for most of us, that's like a scary, dangerous world is getting connected to somebody else and being upfront. So definitely we do talk about that in the chapter, and what I've tried to do with the workbook is say, okay, here's the kind of interrelationships between ADHD and sex, and then I have a chapter for each sort of issue that tends to come up for people, so you can pick and choose and bounce through the chapters to get the stuff that's meaningful for you. Obviously do I think. Yeah, read the whole thing. Of course, most people probably don't need all the parts and you can go get the things that are more interesting to you.
13:56 - Sarah (Host)
I love hearing that about books. Yeah, sometimes you just want to especially, we just want to solve the thing.
14:04 - Lyne (Host)
Yeah, it doesn't have to be linear right, you're not going to get in trouble if you don't do it in a linear fashion.
14:18 - Sarah (Host)
You're not going to be in trouble if you don't do it in a linear fashion. You're not going to be grounded. Yeah, yes, you love it. Where's the book's fault? Yes, the book's fault. So where can listeners keep up with your work and what you've been putting out? Where are you online?
14:24 - Lyne (Host)
so, online I have the website, which is adhdsexcom, and I do my best to keep. I have some blogs there and try to keep that as a bit of a hub. And then on Instagram my tag is ADHDsexworkbook and I'm sorry it's a terrible tag. I know I'm old, you guys cut me a bit of slack, but ADHD sex workbook will absolutely take you to all the latest and greatest. And then I do my best to like post when I'm going to be speaking and what's going on and some of the thoughts that I want to share about ADHD and sex.
15:04
And then I think we were talking earlier about the ADHD and sex online course and I really wanted to have a way. Like the feedback I get a lot about the book is it's very dense and it is. I got super excited with it, I'm thrilled, but there's a lot of stuff in there, and so I've created an online course to just try to ease that for people, so that if you're like reading and slogging through this on your own is not a lot of fun, then coming to the course means that you can learn a little bit and explore it at your own pace, and we're in a bit of a less of a rush, but we do like a seven-week course, so we've got some time there to connect and really get through the material in a kind of more of a paced way. So I'm trying to do my best so that there's a million ways that you can go find that information.
15:54 - Sarah (Host)
Yeah, that's great yeah.
15:56 - Lyne (Host)
No, it makes a big difference.
15:58 - Sarah (Host)
Having that feedback and going at your own pace. I could totally see that being helpful. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited about this.
16:07 - Lyne (Host)
I'm so glad. Yeah, I appreciate you having me, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out. Thank you.
