Dating With ADHD: Red Flags vs. Green Flags with Beaonca Ward
Relationship coach and marriage and family therapy graduate Beaonca Ward helps high-functioning neurodivergent women - many with ADHD - overcome dating anxiety, find meaningful partnerships and have fulfilling sex lives. Tune in to discover Bianca’s personal journey, the unique challenges neurodivergent women face in relationships, and practical strategies for building healthy, empowered connections.
Highlights:
The increased risks and unique challenges neurodivergent women face in intimate relationships
How traits like novelty-seeking and loyalty can both help and hinder relationship choices for women with ADHD
The importance of somatic body work and self-awareness in recognizing healthy versus toxic relationship dynamics
Practical advice for overcoming dating anxiety
The role of education in identifying red and green flags in relationships
Mentioned:
ADHD Online Assessment: adhdonline.com/adultingwithadhd (use promo code ADULTINGADHD40 for $40 off)
Bianca’s Instagram: @therealbeaonca
Bianca’s Website & Free Quiz: beaoncaward.com/quiz
Enjoying the podcast? Support us and get exclusive content by joining our Patreon community! patreon.com/adultingwithadhd
Summary
Welcome to Adulting with ADHD, a podcast created by and for adults navigating life with ADHD. Our mission is to empower our community through shared experiences, expert insights, and practical strategies that make everyday challenges more manageable. As your host, I strive to create a space where listeners feel seen, heard, and supported, no matter where they are on their ADHD journey.
In this episode, we’re diving into the complexities of relationships, especially as they relate to neurodivergent women. I’m joined by Bianca Ward, who brings both personal and professional perspectives to the conversation. Together, we explore the unique challenges and strengths that come with managing ADHD in the context of friendships, family, and romantic partnerships.
Listeners can expect to walk away with actionable advice, heartfelt stories, and a deeper understanding of how ADHD shapes our connections with others. Whether you’re seeking validation, new tools, or just a sense of community, this episode is packed with insights to help you thrive in your relationships and beyond.
Transcript
The adulting with A DHD podcast is not a substitute for medical advice. Please see a medical professional. If you think you have a DH ADHD or have a H ADHD and need additional assistance for podcast archives, visit patreon.com/adulting with adhd.
This is the Adulting with A DHD podcast. The self-empowerment for people with A DHD. Today I'm excited to have with me Bianca Ward. Bianca is a certified relationship coach and marriage and family therapy graduate who helps high functioning neurodivergent women.
Welcome to the show, Bianca. Thank you so much. I'm so excited and happy to be here. I'm really glad we're talking about this topic. share a little about your background as a certified relationship coach, and tell us what inspired you to focus on this area.
Yeah, so of course, so I've always had a passion for helping people. I always knew, even when I was younger, that no matter what career I was gonna get into in the future, I knew that I wanted to learn information and be able to help people with struggles that I was personally having. At first, I wasn't really sure what that was going to look like, and it wasn't until I was at undergrad at Penn State that I actually learned a lot about coaching, and then I ended up joining a coach training program specifically to help women with their mental health.
At the time, I still didn't have clarity on who exactly my audience was, but during those college years, I actually struggled a lot with. Just social things in general, dating, friendships, all those kinds of things. I also am a neurodivergent person myself. Mm-hmm. Although I don't have A-D-H-D-I am actually formally diagnosed as autistic.
Mm-hmm. So I ended up an undergrad. I worked as a teaching assistant, and I ended up connecting with a bunch of students who would always come to me with questions that they had with dating. Hmm. And then I really started to build my business in undergrad and it like literally took off. And then from there I decided that I wanted to learn even more.
Even though I really enjoyed the work that I was doing, was helping women with dating and like romantic relationships and helping them with their mental health. I wanted to work with them on an even deeper level, and then that's why I decided to go back to grad school and then get my master's degree in marriage and family therapy.
Yeah. I was really lucky for those students that they had you to talk to. That's pretty awesome. Thank you. Thank you. It was really exciting to do that. My actually had the opportunity to have my own course while I was in school. That's how big of a deal it was. Yeah, it was crazy. I'm very grateful that I had that opportunity to connect with so many women, but the thing that makes me feel the most accomplished is the fact that.
I feel privileged that people trusted me with like such vulnerable information. Like it's not easy to come and talk to someone that you don't already have a connection with and tell them like, this is something that I'm struggling with. Can you help me? You've talked about, the sexual wellness challenges that neurodivergent women can face and.
Also, you've talked about increased risks and intimate relationships can you give us some examples of these struggles that you've seen? Yes. The most common that I've seen all relate to sexual trauma, although this when I started, wasn't something that I like actively was like marketing in my messaging with women.
I noticed a lot of women who were connecting with me had experiences of like child sexual abuse. Mm-hmm. They also struggled even in their intimate relationships being in power dynamics with their partners where they would take advantage of them sexually or they would coerce and or pressure them to have sex as well.
So that's, those are mainly most of the challenges that I still even currently see today, like six years later now. And why are women with A DHD, neurodivergent women in general, why are they vulnerable to these experiences? Having A DHD in general is considered to be a risk factor for intimate partner BA violence just in general.
That risk factor significantly increases for women in particular who are not being actively treated for A DHD as well. Some other overlapping risk factors as well that are incredibly relevant is also having a childhood history of traumas. Specifically if you were raised in a family. Who mistreated you in some way, if there was any kind of emotional, physical abuse, neglect, or sexual abuse.
All of those things can put women at risk for experiencing sexual trauma as an adult and intimate partner relationships, but also intimate partner violence in general because intimate partner violence can really, it's a very broad kind of term for all types of violence that exist in a relationship.
And I think too, a lack of education. Mm-hmm. And I don't think that is specific to women specifically who have a DHD, but what I'm seeing personally is that it, they tend to be embedded in dynamics that are a little bit more toxic or more destructive in general because they haven't had that formal education to know, first of all, that they're even at risk for this.
Right. Like, yeah. Really difficult to sit down and have a conversation with someone and let them know that you already know that there are bad people in the world, but there are people who actively seek out people who have traits and qualities that you have because you have a DHD. And I think sometimes that's difficult to sit with that information.
If you're listening to this show, you get how stress and overwhelmed can wreak havoc on your life, and how sometimes the issue runs deeper than that. That's where A DHD online comes in. They offer a thorough, clinically backed assessment that not only checks for A DHD. But also screens for anxiety, depression, and more.
To save $40 and to get on the path to relief, now visit a h ADHD online slash adulting with A DHD and use promo code adulting, A DH, ADHD 40. Yeah. Can we talk about these traits and qualities for a little bit? Yes. What, what are some of these traits and qualities? Yes, absolutely. A major one is just.
Novelty seeking in general, like things can get very boring very quickly, and I do blame the media a little bit for this as well too. Okay. I think. In the media. Most of these like romance movies, which I love by the way. Yeah. They depict these very emotionally intense, these emotionally expressive partners.
Mm-hmm. And I think on a subconscious level, we tend to think that something that we should expect out of partners, whether those are men or women or whatever. Mm-hmm. But when you have A-D-H-D-A, you're novelty seeking. Sometimes you're going into these dynamics and things that. Our features of abusive and or toxic relationships are things that kind of draw you in.
For example, like love bombing is a major one, right? Yeah. Like when you're experiencing love bombing. If you had never experienced intimate partner violence in the past, you might think that this is just a very like emotionally expressive person who really cares about getting to know you, who's very fully invested in you from very early on into the relationship.
Before you've actually had time to establish those healthy dynamics, like having healthy boundaries, actually taking the time to see if this is someone that you should invest in. Having time to build trust with this person. So that's a really major one. Another issue that I see Austin as well is goes off of that too, just certain attractions to specific qualities that a partner may have.
And I say this specifically for what I've seen in heterosexual relationships in particular, I see this as more of an issue. Mm-hmm. Looking for partners who are like almost possessive or like excessively jealous in some way. They're not actively thinking to themselves, let me find a pos, a possessive or excessively jealous partner.
But they might exhibit those qualities in some way, like. I know sometimes with the women that I've worked with, when they first meet a partner, they're really looking for someone who seems like very charming, someone who's very social, but they put so much weight behind those qualities that sometimes they miss the excessive jealousy and the possessiveness that is also present at the same time.
So I think there's almost a sort of blindness that's there, and I think that kind of goes back to. That lack of education. If you haven't experienced these things, you might not be educated on what like covert narcissism looks like or people who have very narcissistic qualities, even if they don't meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissism.
Yeah, that makes me wonder, what are the green flags? Oh, yes, green flags. We can definitely talk about that because that's so important too. Yeah. The first one I always say, and it's. I always start with this first because it's the hardest one to work through. Mm-hmm. Really getting clear with doing like somatic body work.
Yeah. So I mentioned that most of the women that I work with have some form of trauma in some way. Yeah. When you have these chronic experiences of stress, when you experience ongoing trauma. Your nervous system is very much overactive. You really have to relearn how to get your body into a relapse state.
And also I think that's even more difficult if you have something like autism or A DHD. Mm-hmm. Really trying to do that somatic work to understand what does it feel like when you're actually sitting in a space with another calm person. What does it feel like when you're sitting with someone whose nervous system is not overactive in that way?
Yeah, because it really is very distinctly different experience, and I'll say being completely transparent and vulnerable. It took me years to learn what that difference felt like personally in my body. Like that experience mm-hmm. Is very individualized. It's very different depending on the person and how they carry their bodies, where they.
Hold this trauma, but I know in particular with many of my clients, they tend to take that really as the first kind of step. Because if you don't know what it feels like to be relaxed in your body, it's gonna be really hard to notice if you feel relaxed with another person, especially if you have an overactive mind as well too, right?
Yeah. Like if you're feeling these in intense emotions with another person. It's really hard to get yourself to sit and calm a little bit and really think about how am I actively feeling when I'm sitting around this other person. But I think our bodies really do give us cues and signals about the kind of dynamics that we may be embedded in, like even from the beginning.
For women who are going through some sort of. Stating anxiety or relationship issues, what can help them move forward as far as getting the help they need? Or how do they even know if they even need help? Yes. So going off of the last question, I'm gonna work like backwards Yes. That you need help.
If it's something specific that is making you avoid dating as a whole, but you still have this desire to date. Yeah. If you feel like there's a conflict there. That's an indication that, okay, this might be another area in which it may be helpful for you to have support. I say that it may be helpful as opposed to you need the support.
Because I feel like sometimes if you, if we think of this as something that we need, it almost feels we may need to be fixed or we're incapable in some way. Mm-hmm. And I really want to rework that kind of thinking. That's a lot of the work that I do with my clients as well, really helping them with.
Reframing the way that they think about themselves, which also, by the way, going off of something else we talked about earlier, that is another risk factor for intimate partner violence as well as having that low self-esteem. Mm-hmm. Which unfortunately tends to be like very common in people who have A DHD women in particular as well.
But to go off the second half of the question. Yeah. Some things that may be helpful for you, aside from a lot of that body work that I was mentioning earlier is one specific activity that I remember I did a long time ago. I really took time to journal because that's something that makes me personally feel relaxed.
Mm-hmm. When I feel like I'm starting to become a little bit more dysregulated than I would like. Yeah. It's helpful to sit really. Ask yourselves like, what is it specifically that you're wanting out of a relationship? What kind of partner are you looking for? Get clear on what kind of like personality, character, Rick sticks you feel like you're personally drawn to.
I think that can be just a starting point of you having a process of like self-reflection as well too. That was specifically helpful for me because I wasn't. Actively like thinking about what kind of traits I feel like I'm drawn to. Mm-hmm. With other people, I just talk to them and relate to them. Right.
But I think that can be like a first awakening to get clear on like what are these things that I'm drawn to? And then asking the next question of why am I drawn to these things? Where does this actually come from? Most of the time we do know from like different work with attachment, but also with attraction in the marriage and family therapy field.
We do know that we are typically attracted to traits that were shown to us and expressed to us as children. So if you have a DHD, right, and you have these risk factors of growing up in childhood that were not very healthy, right? You didn't have very healthy examples of love, okay? You might be attracted to some traits that may not be very positive, but something that's also helpful, even knowing that information.
I just wanna encourage all of you to just remember that all the things that you learned, you can also unlearn too. Mm-hmm. Like they might be difficult to unlearn those things, but it's possible when people do that every day. Yes. So it's not like you are, for lack of a better word, it's not like you're screwed, you're not damned.
Yeah, for sure, man. You can always rework and learn these things. And then the next thing I always encourage as well, always encourage you to think about. Do you specifically want to date because you had this desire to date, or is it because you might feel pressure in some way to date right now? Because that can be another thing I've seen with clients as well too, especially with age now.
Like once they start getting around like late twenties, thirties, they're like, oh man, I'm not married. I feel like I should have this. All my siblings are married. I don't have anything. So I think there can be a little bit of pressure there. And I just wanna remind you, everyone works on their own timeline and that's absolutely okay.
And then I think it's very valuable to then take some time to learn a little bit more about what healthy relationships look like.
I specifically would encourage women in particular who have a DHD educate yourselves more on hyper-masculinity and learning more about that because there, there is a correlation between hyper-masculinity and men in particular. And that being correlated with sexual assault and emotional abuse. Mm-hmm.
So you, you don't want to choose partners who are hyper masculine or partners who are really controlling because it's very easy to get stuck in those dynamics, especially if you have a DHD or autism in particular. Do you have any favorite books or resources that you go to? Yes. Frequently I would recommend literally any book that is from John Gottman or his wife, Julie Gottman.
Yeah. Their books are so good. I think of all of the books that I've read over the years, there's tend to be, I think, the most positive in terms of the research that's presented. Mm-hmm. To support their ideas that they're sharing in the books. I don't know if you've seen this, Sarah, but even just like with my schooling background and everything and having my master's degree and all that and like working as a therapist outside of all this stuff too.
Mm-hmm. A lot of the research is on all the negative things that happen if you have a DHD and if you're trying to build healthy, relat healthy relationships. Mm-hmm. But I think that there are strengths that come along with having a diagnosis as well. And that goes with any diagnosis, right? Yeah. Like I feel like.
People with A DHD are so creative. Right, right. And I think that creativity can actually be a strength when you're going out and dating and trying to find these partners. So I would actually encourage you as well to try to tap more into that creativity when it comes time to going on dates with people and really figuring out what it is that you're looking for.
Absolutely. And I can second the Gottman's. I liked that it was so practical and research based something else that I see specifically with women who have a DHD.
That can be a strength. Mm-hmm. You can transform it into a strength, but sometimes, like when I first see clients, it tends to not be so positive. Yeah. They have very, like, for lack of a better words, I'll say like unshakeable loyalty almost. It's like very, they're very like caring people. They notice a lot about what people do, like different patterns that people have.
Mm-hmm. And. And they tend to be like incredibly loyal, especially the women that I work with that I notice also tend to be like really anxious as well. Mm-hmm. They are so like loyal to their partner that I think sometimes this can become like very toxic. Mm-hmm. Especially if you're with someone who like isn't a good person for you in general.
Right. Yeah. Because maybe they're like. Excessively critical, or they just have these other very much destructive patterns in the relationship. Mm-hmm. And again, I think that goes back to what I was saying about having that lack of knowledge. You can't know something that you don't know. Yeah. But I think sometimes women with A DHD tend to stay in these relationships with people and think that these really bad things that are happening, it's still possible to like change them in the relationship.
So you feel like. They're trying to find all these different ways and different reasons to stay with this person. Mm-hmm. Especially too, if we're talking about abusive relationships. Yeah. Especially like emotional or psychological abuse. Usually that other person is like. Doing really bad things, but they're doing like really good things at the same time, so it gets confusing.
Yeah. So I think it's really easy with that, that novelty seeking also. Mm-hmm. With and having those intense emotions and just struggling in general with emotional regulation. It's easy to latch onto, like how you feel when the good things happen, how you feel when that person specifically does good things in the relationship.
So much so that it's not like. You ignore the bad, what happens, you do notice it. 'cause you're really good at noticing patterns, but it's like you find ways to justify what they're doing and almost view it as, yeah, this is happening, but maybe there's another way around it as opposed to just like looking at it as.
Yeah. Like maybe this just isn't a good partner for you in particular. Yeah. Like it's not an offset program. You can't offset certain things. Exactly. Exactly. That's exactly it. Mm-hmm. And another sign that I see of that, like if you're listening to this episode and you're like, I don't know if that's me.
Like maybe I'm just loyal and that's a good thing. If you are talking to your friends about a person that you are interested in dating or someone that you're actively dating right now, if you are leaving out specific details and you think to yourself when you're leaving out those details, Hey, I don't think my friend's gonna like this.
If I say it okay, I'm talking about you. You are cracking me up. 'cause it's, that is such a good ruler for measuring what you're leaving out. What are you telling your friends? What are you sweeping under the rug? I love that. Yes. That's always like a telltale sign.
This is so important and this is such vital information for our listeners. Where can they keep up with you and your. Yeah, so I am actually very visible on social media now. Mm-hmm. Specifically, you can find me on Instagram. My name on there is at the Real Bianca. Mm-hmm. And then also another thing you can do as well on my website, I do offer a free quiz that only takes about 60 seconds to finish, but if you take it, it will tell you what your marriage communication style is.
So this is actually beneficial regardless of whether you're like dating right now or if you're actively like working towards marriage. It'll be able to tell you your current dominant way of communicating with a romantic partner and then what your most likely style would be if you do get married in the future.
And then at the end, it'll offer some quick tips that you're able to use to help you transform your communication style to one that is more healthy. Thank you so much, Bianca, for being on the show. Of course. Thank you so much for having me.
